A rising tide of dread

I need to know that it’s okay to feel this way. I need to be sure that I am not losing my mind. The thought of another day, same as yesterday fills me with dread. There was a time not too long ago that this familiarity comforted me. But today I am slowly drowning in a rising tide of panic. I am realising that probably the sum of all my hopes and fears, all my ambition and dreams, finally boil down to this. A listless existence propped upwards by one list after another, doing so much but achieving so little.

I cannot help but feel sad when I get like this. There is no other way to describe it. The feeling of living a life not quite your own. Arriving at a place you didn’t originally signed up for. Sometimes I look over my shoulder to see if I missed a turn, thinking that’s where I was supposed to go. And when I finally get there, I’ll become who I’m supposed to be.

But it is never as easy as that. Where we are does not answer this eternal question. What we do probably comes close, but for me there is always a disconnect. I can do many things at once, become good at them even, and still not knowing if this is who I should be. It must matter for me to ponder this, why else would I be so unhappy?

I try reaching out to families and friends. But I was never raised to be needy. I was raised to be proud and independent. I was taught that I am responsible for who I am and all that I do and don’t do. I almost never blame anyone else. Even when I could, it was something I could never do. And that is why I remain so isolated and detached sometimes. And even as I sit here feeling so lonely, I could not bring myself to call someone. It is a sad cycle of despair. One that would end, sure enough. I am an optimist in that sense. But riding out this sense of despondency does not get any easier, no matter how often I feel this way.

I don’t want to think too far ahead. I don’t want to figure out if hope remains in the horizon or if it has deserted me completely. I know what I need to get done tomorrow. I know who I will meet and what we will probably talk about. Knowing all this brings me no comfort nonetheless. I don’t know what will. Sometimes I look for it in a cup of coffee, in a slice of cake or in a plate of my favourite dish. Now you know why I sabotage every diet I’ve ever been on. If I can’t feel any emotion in soul, I might as well savour every taste just to know I’m still alive.

I need to stop. I could probably go on for a long time. But I have somewhere to be within an hour. The certainty of my days used to reassure me as I marched on into whatever that awaited me. But today, this is almost impossible. Today, my only purpose in life is not to break apart and unravel, though inside I have come undone a hundred times over.

Saying goodbye to 2007

The year was 2007. It was pretty much an uneventful year, but at the same time big things were about to happen. I guess I’ve never been really good at viewing things retrospectively. I’ve always been more of a future forward type of person. But in keeping with tradition, this was an entry that had to be written nonetheless.

On the home-front, my family life continues to be blessed. My son is growing up beautifully. He turns nine this year, almost halfway through primary school. It never ceases to amaze me each time I get a good look at him. My favourite part of the day is when he comes running out of the house to get into my car each time I honk at the gate. He would ride the short drive into the porch and gives me imaginary money when I insist on cabfare. I love how he runs, still very child-like in so many ways. And yet, he’s growing up with each passing day into a truly wonderful human being.

My parents were finally reunited last year when my mum finished her 3-year stint working abroad. It was a big adjustment for everybody, but it felt great to have mum home again. Slowly, we settled into our old routine and mum resumed her duties as the matriarch of the family. My brother and sister in-law entered parenthood when they were both blessed with a baby girl. They’ve been married for almost three years and the miracle finally happened. Baby Qistina was borned on 30th October 2007, just a day after I celebrated my 33rd birthday. If I may say so, and I risk sounding like the bragging aunt here, she’s one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen. Everyone dotes on her, since she is the only granddaughter (for now!). My mum takes care of her soon after SIL went back to work. It’s all good since my mum has a renewed focus in her life, caring for Baby Qistina
who grows fussier by the day (for some reason she cries each time I pick her up!).

My dad will be retiring soon. I hope that happens cause I think he’s been working long enough (he’s thinking of renewing his contract with the bank). But I know he’s not the rest and relax type of guy. Even during long holidays, he’s up and about tending to yard work; moving around pots, yanking out weeks and such. But it’s good for him to stay active. Only thing is, I need to remind him to eat healthily. This is not easy since we both like the same types of food (carbs, pastries, cakes, cookies..etc.). Still, he’s alright by most standards and I pray that both my parents will continue to live long, healthy and happy lives.

My sister continues to lead a somewhat charmed life. Both she and her husband are blessed with two sons. They live about an hour away and we see each other almost every week. She’s busy these days with her audit work. Her job takes her to foreign
countries like Myanmar, Manila and Sudan. It’s hard initially, especially on her two boys. But they’ve adapted to her absence and her husband’s very supportive of her career. Talk about someone having it all, she’s pretty close to that definition. Most ironic cause this wasn’t always the case. Or at least, there was a time I could claim that for myself too.

Work-wise, things just keep on getting more hectic each day. Big changes took place and change is still happening every now and then. People leave and new ones come onboard. I left a 10-year IT career and swapped machines for people. I became HR manager when my boss took a bet on me. He told me recently it was one of the best bets he’s ever taken.

My career is thriving. It keeps me busy and preoccupied and I am blessed to get to work with some of the coolest people around. My colleagues are wonderful people. They know just when to reel me in when I get in too deep. They let me do my thing and give me feedback when it’s necessary. I trust them and I know they appreciate the work that I do. It sounds like a dream but I truly cherish working at my company. Even after 10 years, I’m still learning everyday. And best of all, I work for people who inspire me to continually do my best.

2007 was also the year I completed my MBA studies. My mum got home in time to watch me graduate. This was doubly special since my parents weren’t with me when I graduated with my first degree, ten years ago. It was indeed one of my proudest moments. More than the scroll that confirmed my graduation, it was a personal victory for me, knowing that my self-belief grew tenfold when I completed the program after studying part-time for the last three years.

My friends continue to be my inspiration. They anchor me when I become unsteady or veered off my equilibrium. We shared stories, memories, hopes and fears. We swapped birthday gifts and our faith in each other. Some have moved away to pursue their dreams. The others remain but are kept preoccupied by work, family life and such. Still, we make time for each other. Chatting over coffee, a day at the spa, a shopping trip when we needed retail therapy. Nights spent chatting on YM, gossiping and idle banter, idly dreaming of a better future. Honestly, my friends keep me sane, even if I jokingly complain they drive me nuts every now and then.

The year was 2007 and I lived it to the fullest. I caught several awesome gigs and sang with the best of them until my voice completely deserted me. I went to see Muse and Fall Out Boy in Singapore, then most recently My Chemical Romance who came to our shores and gave a KL a good rockin’. Music-wise, I’ve discovered so many bands, I can’t possibly mention each one here. But I continue to love Muse the best. There’s something about those three guys that help keep my spark alive even when I’m just about ready to give up and give in.

I saved this bit for last, mainly because I’m unsure how this will go. My love life remains uneventful and largely non-existent. That is a fact. A plain truth like vanilla. Now here comes the rest of the mix.

I met a few guys, hung out for drinks, went out for flicks. We talked music, gigs and books. We traded childhood stories and some of our craziest dreams. Had a few laughs, shared a few jokes but that’s about it. The adrenaline got me high for a bit and I remembered what falling for someone felt like. Giddy and girlish, but remaining coy and cautious nonetheless.

The truth is, I’m not ready. I wish I was. I wish I was brave enough to bite the bullet and seize the moment. But I don’t have the courage because it didn’t feel right. There’s always something wrong with this guy and that, an annoying tic or habit that I’d spot soon after the bubble bursts. Nothing majorly wrong, most of them were really nice guys. One of them came very close to being a likely candidate. But I stopped encouraging him. And I think he got the message, though how he deciphered it may not be quite as how I intended it to be.

Here is another fact. I’ve stopped believing in forever. I don’t think forever exists. I used to think that it did, but then messed up. I grew up, I changed. So did the people I loved. So forever ceased to exist in my personal dictionary. It is a word I almost never use these days. Along with other words like love, hope and together.

I tell my son I love him each day, but it’s not the same. I fiercely adore my closest friends but we have our own lives at the end of the day. In my case, my life remains bare where romance is concerned. I used to lament over this fact frequently but not so much anymore. The trick is to keep busy and breathing. Take life by the day, heck.. by the hour if I must. Don’t plan too far ahead because that may lead me to think of anything with a sense of permanence. Remember, forever doesn’t exist for me anymore, along with ever after and someday.

Someone said I’ve become a cynic. But don’t get me wrong, this is how I protect myself. Staying busy helps me forget that I have other needs. Longings that remain unfulfilled. I keep those depressive thoughts far, far away as I possibly can. I don’t wish to turn that page. Love resides in the forgotten pages of yesterday. I have made peace with my past. And as I move further away from it, the more I distant myself from that enchanted and mystical force called love.

There are times when I dare to stay still, I remember what it felt like. I recall how good it feels to belong to someone, as how he belonged to me. I remember rooting for another person, completely and unconditionally, and being there for him through good and bad. I remember what it felt like having someone to come home to. And amidst all this silence and remembering, I can hear my heart breaking.

And that is why I remain hesitant. I admit not swearing off love completely, but I know it will take a lot out of me to admit that I am ready to love again. Similarly, it will take a very strong and confident person to convince me that love is within my reach, that those dreams of ever after remain alive after all. It will require him to have the patience of a saint, the sureness of the devil and the persistence of a faithful lover. A tall order, I know. But if this dream ever comes true for me, which I have no clue when, how or with who, it better be worth it.

2007 has passed, 365 days of a calendar now relegated to the ranks of memories of the other thirty-something years I have lived on this earth. I remain optimistic where the present is concerned. I am still very guarded and uncertain when it comes to my future. I am taking it as it comes, everyday is a brand new beginning, filled with possibilities and mysterious encounters. I have no idea what the turning of this page leads me to, or who for that matter. I just know I’m ready for everything and anything that comes my way.

The year coming to an end

It has become a ritual of sorts. I would leave my blog barren and idle, only to return to wrap up the year. And what a year it’s been…

I normally write on my 43Things page, updating my progress on various goals and such. But I’ve always thought this blog would be handy, someday, when I needed to write just about anything that doesn’t quite fit the realm of goals.

Being the systematic creature that I am (it’s a curse more than a virtue), I’d normally approach this task by reviewing all my goals and entries at 43Things.com . But that will take me a while, and I just want to get this introductory entry out of the way. So let this be a snapshot, more than anything, before I move on to more meaty stuff.

It’s 1:17 AM, the rain has finally stopped and the room temperature is finally cool and conducive for sleep. 24 hours ago, I was witnessing My Chemical Romance in concert. Quite simply, one of the most amazing moments in recent times. A week ago, the situation at work has taken amazing twists and turns. All good though, and shall see much excitement in that department soon. A month ago, my son finished his second year in primary school, looking forward to his school holidays. He’s grown into a fine young (little) man, all of his eight years, seemingly mature beyond his tender age. Six months ago, my mother returned home for good, after being away at work at some foreign country. It’s great to have her around again, though I don’t always show it with my lack of motivation where household chores are concerned.

Life is good. My life has been blessed, with a job I dare say I truly enjoy, with a family who anchors me in my frequent moments of uncertainties. My friends remain a constant source of inspiration. They keep me sane and help me weather the rockier roads where inter-personal relationships are concerned. Both the old ones and the new.

My home life has me contented, a comfortable house that is filled with laughter, merriment and God’s blessing. And God has indeed been good to me and for that I am infinitely grateful.

Letting go (Part 3)

Sometimes we are blessed to meet others who touch our spirit and liberate our will. These people come into our lives, disguised as a kind stranger or a casual acquaintance, then by a random case of chance, enough time pass and we find ourselves in a shared moment. Our paths cross and we exchange ideas, opinions and experiences. Sometimes, we are given the opportunity to actually listen, not merely hearing, and the words uttered seep into our hearts and become ingrained as part of our consciousness. Other times, we surprise ourselves by the declarations we make, never expecting to hear those words becoming the truths we’ve always suspected of knowing. Indeed, by some act of grace, we make these connections. However, we also realize that people come and go like seasons that change. Thus requiring an act of courage, we part ways yet again, deep down inside wishing this wasn’t so. But life is like that, you have to let go before you can make room for new things, places and even people. No matter how hard or how cold this truth appears to be, life is a series of changes. Like the turning of leaves as spring makes way for summer, we too must shed the skin of yesterday to emerge anew and awaken with eyes and hearts wide open.

I am a ghost

I am a ghost, fast fading
Disappearing into the scene
I no longer matter to what was here
Become the one unseen.

I am a ghost, disappearing
Lingering no more
Leaving behind these ties than bind
Behind that eternal door.

I am a ghost, of seasons past
No longer residing in your mind
Like days that pass, they never last
You’ve left me far behind.

I am a ghost, fast fading
Walking away from what could be
Wish I could fight my disappearing
And be the one you need.

My one true constant

For my dearest friend, my one true constant
For keeping me honest, never forsaken
As you stood by me while my legs gave way
I can start over again, come what may.

For the unsung hero, my one true constant
He listens as I ramble, somewhat amused
In his steady company, I am never forgotten
Even when I feel I have everything to lose.

For the faithful companion, my one true constant
May God’s grace shine on you, despite lacking faith
In your stride, I walk on never forsaken
By your side I find my one true place.

What the heart wants (Part 2)

The heart doesn’t understand
the logic of the mind
it accepts those terms when the time has come
but never before, not until then
it is willing to wait, patiently and faithfully
it whispers a prayer, a silent longing
the heart doesn’t understand
the meaning of the word impossible
it only knows that in time, anything can happen.

What the heart wants (Part 1)

There is no denying what the heart wants
it returns to the thoughts
you push away the most
it begs you to turn
page after page
not caring for sense
losing all sensibility
the heart wants what it wants
and it grieves for a longing unfulfilled.

Wrapping up 2006 (Part 4)

Trivial Pursuits.. not exactly
Stuff I did that helps me feel alive!

Looking back I gotta say, 2006 was kinda amazing. I read a bunch of books, 25 to be exact! The best ones would have to be “The Road Less Traveled” and “The Kite Runner”. Thanks to my LibraryThing recommendations and leads from friends, this hobby can only get better. Plus my frequent trips to Borders.. wonder if I can get a part-time job there as a literary enthusiasts or ardent book reviewer..

On the music front, I caught Coldplay and Jason Mraz live! Definitely some of the highest points of my life. I was high from the whole thing for days, buzzing with crazy energy. I even managed to go to several classical concerts. Hearing Vivaldi’s Four Seasons played live is definitely an experience worth repeating.

While I didn’t quite become the nature lover that I hoped to be, I started developing a serious love for gardening. My Japanese Roses are thriving and I’m so proud of the multi-colour blooms that add a riot of colours to my homelife. On a more adventurous note, I tried white water rafting for the first time, and lived to tell the tale.. barely. Safe to say, while I’ll try everything at least once, that single experience is sufficient to last me this lifetime!

Watched a bunch of movies and discovered some really awesome TV shows. While I won’t call myself a couch potato (although my physique suggests otherwise), I can now state quite boldly that good TV is not an oxymoron. One need not go far, just tune in to shows such as Grey’s Anatomy, Lost and Supernatural (okay, the last one is more eye-candy factor than anything else, but Jensen and Jared are worth it – minus the calories!).

I’m yet to make good on my goal where volunteering is concerned. The closest I got was the Terry Fox Run which was such good fun, I’d do it again next year. Heck, I’d do it every year if the local organizers are game.

On the gathering of “things”, I changed my car. It gave me some trouble initially, but me and Ruby Blue (that’s what I call her) get along fine these days. I bought a bunch of stuff too, but the best investment would be my Creative Zen Micro. It has 4 GB worth of storage and I’m almost maxed out, though I can’t recall just how many songs I have in there. Other than that, I’m not so much into stuff. Except books, which I don’t mind splurging especially when there’s a warehouse sale on. Which reminds me, I need to get a new book shelf some time soon.

On people I call friends, they remain few in numbers. Actually I have different categories of friends. The nearest and dearest would be those who are privileged to see me reduced to tears every now and then, or bear with me while I analyze every insecurity and inherent neurosis. Then there are those I’d hang out with for a good time, share some laughs over a good joke or a cup of coffee. Another group of people dear to me would be my online friends at 43Thing.com . They are amongst the kindest, most selfless, endearing and encouraging bunch of people I’ve ever met albeit online. They keep me sane and swapping cheers and comments on the site have definitely been good fun all the way.

2006 has been a good year, despite some of the hang-ups I had to deal with. I know I’ve learnt and grown, hopefully wiser though definitely older! As always, I remain super-optimistic where the future is concerned. I don’t usually make new year resolutions but I have goals left over from last year, so that should keep me busy apart from the daily routine of work and family life.

Can’t wait to see what lies in store for me for 2007!

Wrapping up 2006 (Part 3)

Work
Things related to my career and professional development

I had the following goals related to this..

• groom my wingman (or woman)
• reassess my career path and options
• study for 15 minutes every day
• file papers that need filing, throw away others
• have a blast in Casablanca!
• get recognition at work

It has been two years since I first held my current post. Many words come to mind.. challenging, rewarding, at times thankless but more often than not, it is my channel to serve others. This resonates well with my life’s motto.. to lead, serve and love. I’ve worked for almost ten years now and by God’s grace I’ve been given the opportunity to lead and teach others. To serve is a noble calling. I believe not until one is able to accept one’s duty to serve, work will never be anything more than just a means to earn a living. What I do matters, so does the work of all my peers who enables me to do what I need to do, affect the change that needs to happen for us to move forward. While this may sound simplistic, it can also be powerful. Sometimes a powerful belief is something as simple as this. When everything goes wrong and nothing goes your way, this belief gives you faith and the courage to face yet another day.

Other significant events include the recognition trip to Casablanca and Marrakech. I had a great time, taking in unfamiliar sights and surroundings while brushing up my rusty Arabic. On people development, I formalized the appointment of a new Team Leader, someone who I believe is capable, reliable and has the potential to lead others. I’m glad I finally did this, it’s great knowing I have someone dependable to bounce ideas with for the betterment of the group.

I finally finished all my classes for my MBA programme. What’s left is my research project which is ready for final print and later on, hardback binding. It feels almost weird to see this chapter finally ending after three years of evening classes, last-minute submissions (seriously.. and adrenaline has nothing to do with it!) and nerve-wrecking exams. Can’t help it, even after all these years, exams for me are the stuff of nightmares.. which is literally true coz I do have those dreams sometimes. I still haven’t figured out if my MBA is supposed to mean anything beyond how it has helped me grown and benefit from various exposures via subjects such as Finance and Corporate Strategy, areas I wouldn’t normally venture into since it is unrelated to my day job. But I firmly believe that my MBA is about the process or the journey of personal growth, not exactly an asset that makes my CV any more credible. I guess it’ll help open doors eventually, but for now I don’t see how or when that will happen.