Saying goodbye to 2007

The year was 2007. It was pretty much an uneventful year, but at the same time big things were about to happen. I guess I’ve never been really good at viewing things retrospectively. I’ve always been more of a future forward type of person. But in keeping with tradition, this was an entry that had to be written nonetheless.

On the home-front, my family life continues to be blessed. My son is growing up beautifully. He turns nine this year, almost halfway through primary school. It never ceases to amaze me each time I get a good look at him. My favourite part of the day is when he comes running out of the house to get into my car each time I honk at the gate. He would ride the short drive into the porch and gives me imaginary money when I insist on cabfare. I love how he runs, still very child-like in so many ways. And yet, he’s growing up with each passing day into a truly wonderful human being.

My parents were finally reunited last year when my mum finished her 3-year stint working abroad. It was a big adjustment for everybody, but it felt great to have mum home again. Slowly, we settled into our old routine and mum resumed her duties as the matriarch of the family. My brother and sister in-law entered parenthood when they were both blessed with a baby girl. They’ve been married for almost three years and the miracle finally happened. Baby Qistina was borned on 30th October 2007, just a day after I celebrated my 33rd birthday. If I may say so, and I risk sounding like the bragging aunt here, she’s one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen. Everyone dotes on her, since she is the only granddaughter (for now!). My mum takes care of her soon after SIL went back to work. It’s all good since my mum has a renewed focus in her life, caring for Baby Qistina
who grows fussier by the day (for some reason she cries each time I pick her up!).

My dad will be retiring soon. I hope that happens cause I think he’s been working long enough (he’s thinking of renewing his contract with the bank). But I know he’s not the rest and relax type of guy. Even during long holidays, he’s up and about tending to yard work; moving around pots, yanking out weeks and such. But it’s good for him to stay active. Only thing is, I need to remind him to eat healthily. This is not easy since we both like the same types of food (carbs, pastries, cakes, cookies..etc.). Still, he’s alright by most standards and I pray that both my parents will continue to live long, healthy and happy lives.

My sister continues to lead a somewhat charmed life. Both she and her husband are blessed with two sons. They live about an hour away and we see each other almost every week. She’s busy these days with her audit work. Her job takes her to foreign
countries like Myanmar, Manila and Sudan. It’s hard initially, especially on her two boys. But they’ve adapted to her absence and her husband’s very supportive of her career. Talk about someone having it all, she’s pretty close to that definition. Most ironic cause this wasn’t always the case. Or at least, there was a time I could claim that for myself too.

Work-wise, things just keep on getting more hectic each day. Big changes took place and change is still happening every now and then. People leave and new ones come onboard. I left a 10-year IT career and swapped machines for people. I became HR manager when my boss took a bet on me. He told me recently it was one of the best bets he’s ever taken.

My career is thriving. It keeps me busy and preoccupied and I am blessed to get to work with some of the coolest people around. My colleagues are wonderful people. They know just when to reel me in when I get in too deep. They let me do my thing and give me feedback when it’s necessary. I trust them and I know they appreciate the work that I do. It sounds like a dream but I truly cherish working at my company. Even after 10 years, I’m still learning everyday. And best of all, I work for people who inspire me to continually do my best.

2007 was also the year I completed my MBA studies. My mum got home in time to watch me graduate. This was doubly special since my parents weren’t with me when I graduated with my first degree, ten years ago. It was indeed one of my proudest moments. More than the scroll that confirmed my graduation, it was a personal victory for me, knowing that my self-belief grew tenfold when I completed the program after studying part-time for the last three years.

My friends continue to be my inspiration. They anchor me when I become unsteady or veered off my equilibrium. We shared stories, memories, hopes and fears. We swapped birthday gifts and our faith in each other. Some have moved away to pursue their dreams. The others remain but are kept preoccupied by work, family life and such. Still, we make time for each other. Chatting over coffee, a day at the spa, a shopping trip when we needed retail therapy. Nights spent chatting on YM, gossiping and idle banter, idly dreaming of a better future. Honestly, my friends keep me sane, even if I jokingly complain they drive me nuts every now and then.

The year was 2007 and I lived it to the fullest. I caught several awesome gigs and sang with the best of them until my voice completely deserted me. I went to see Muse and Fall Out Boy in Singapore, then most recently My Chemical Romance who came to our shores and gave a KL a good rockin’. Music-wise, I’ve discovered so many bands, I can’t possibly mention each one here. But I continue to love Muse the best. There’s something about those three guys that help keep my spark alive even when I’m just about ready to give up and give in.

I saved this bit for last, mainly because I’m unsure how this will go. My love life remains uneventful and largely non-existent. That is a fact. A plain truth like vanilla. Now here comes the rest of the mix.

I met a few guys, hung out for drinks, went out for flicks. We talked music, gigs and books. We traded childhood stories and some of our craziest dreams. Had a few laughs, shared a few jokes but that’s about it. The adrenaline got me high for a bit and I remembered what falling for someone felt like. Giddy and girlish, but remaining coy and cautious nonetheless.

The truth is, I’m not ready. I wish I was. I wish I was brave enough to bite the bullet and seize the moment. But I don’t have the courage because it didn’t feel right. There’s always something wrong with this guy and that, an annoying tic or habit that I’d spot soon after the bubble bursts. Nothing majorly wrong, most of them were really nice guys. One of them came very close to being a likely candidate. But I stopped encouraging him. And I think he got the message, though how he deciphered it may not be quite as how I intended it to be.

Here is another fact. I’ve stopped believing in forever. I don’t think forever exists. I used to think that it did, but then messed up. I grew up, I changed. So did the people I loved. So forever ceased to exist in my personal dictionary. It is a word I almost never use these days. Along with other words like love, hope and together.

I tell my son I love him each day, but it’s not the same. I fiercely adore my closest friends but we have our own lives at the end of the day. In my case, my life remains bare where romance is concerned. I used to lament over this fact frequently but not so much anymore. The trick is to keep busy and breathing. Take life by the day, heck.. by the hour if I must. Don’t plan too far ahead because that may lead me to think of anything with a sense of permanence. Remember, forever doesn’t exist for me anymore, along with ever after and someday.

Someone said I’ve become a cynic. But don’t get me wrong, this is how I protect myself. Staying busy helps me forget that I have other needs. Longings that remain unfulfilled. I keep those depressive thoughts far, far away as I possibly can. I don’t wish to turn that page. Love resides in the forgotten pages of yesterday. I have made peace with my past. And as I move further away from it, the more I distant myself from that enchanted and mystical force called love.

There are times when I dare to stay still, I remember what it felt like. I recall how good it feels to belong to someone, as how he belonged to me. I remember rooting for another person, completely and unconditionally, and being there for him through good and bad. I remember what it felt like having someone to come home to. And amidst all this silence and remembering, I can hear my heart breaking.

And that is why I remain hesitant. I admit not swearing off love completely, but I know it will take a lot out of me to admit that I am ready to love again. Similarly, it will take a very strong and confident person to convince me that love is within my reach, that those dreams of ever after remain alive after all. It will require him to have the patience of a saint, the sureness of the devil and the persistence of a faithful lover. A tall order, I know. But if this dream ever comes true for me, which I have no clue when, how or with who, it better be worth it.

2007 has passed, 365 days of a calendar now relegated to the ranks of memories of the other thirty-something years I have lived on this earth. I remain optimistic where the present is concerned. I am still very guarded and uncertain when it comes to my future. I am taking it as it comes, everyday is a brand new beginning, filled with possibilities and mysterious encounters. I have no idea what the turning of this page leads me to, or who for that matter. I just know I’m ready for everything and anything that comes my way.