Letting go (Part 2)

Well when you go
Don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I’ll be off to find another way

It felt like another lifetime, but in fact it was merely two years ago that she loved him. It’s funny how words like “forever” can be so over-rated. She remembers saying it in the same breath that declared her love for him. Now it all seems like a stale joke, one that would often invade her thoughts during the most unlikeliest times. Like when she remembers how she would pray every night that they’d be together someday and forever. She truly believed it then and perhaps that is what’s making her sad even until today.

When after all this time that you still owe
You’re still the good-for-nothing I don’t know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

It’s a cruel joke she thought, that she’d still see him from time to time. Adequate time has passed and she no longer ached, both with longing and contempt each time their paths cross. She’s stronger now, more sure of herself. Except when he catches her off guard and tries to make her want him like before. More than once, she fell for that trick. And every single time, she vowed no more. No good would come out of it. And she’d be the only one to pick up the pieces after all the good times had passed.

When you go
Would you even turn to say
“I don’t love you
Like I did
Yesterday”

It’s hard not to be skeptical nowadays. When she reads how love supposedly conquers all, truly they can’t be saying about the kind of love she’s been through. The kind of love that uses and abuses, the kind that wrecks and overturns all sense of reason. But when she lays awake in the dead of night, she can’t help but long for it. She could even make do with the palest shade, the lightest hue, if it’d make her remember what it was like. But come daylight, when everything becomes clear and stark, she can only remember how hurt she was and how close she came to losing herself completely. Nothing could be worth that, she thought. Not even love.

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It’s where you oughta stay

She’d go on days feeling fine, but then come days when she felt cheated and betrayed. On those days only anger kept her head above water. She’d feel nothing but bitterness thinking how unfair things turned out to be. Nothing gave her relief, every morsel of food tasted bland. Making conversation felt forceful and even painful sometimes. Going through the motions, she’d kill time attending to what seemed mundane and trivial at best. It really didn’t make much sense when everyone else seemed to have their perfect ending except her. On those days she felt like the last girl left standing, the one nobody wanted, the one wo has to fend for herself.

When after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar’s just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can

So that was what she did. She used all that anger to keep her focused. She was blessed with a quick wit and a sharp mind. At work she became the go-to girl. At home she juggled her domestic demands while attending school part-time. Her friends marvelled at how she made everything looked easy. She smiled graciously but deep inside she felt like screaming. Nobody truly knew just how barely she held herself together, just how close she was to coming undone. She never bothered to tell anyone thinking no good would come out of it. But sometimes the cracks threaten to show and she would take those signs and retreat for a while, tending to old wounds while finding relief in simple things like nature and music. Nobody understands, she thought, and even if they did, no one would care enough to do anything about it. She didn’t try to make it easy on herself either, maybe cause some days, she thought she deserved all this.

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
“I don’t love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday”

She was clear on one thing, she didn’t love him anymore. She didn’t want him like she used to, he was nothing more than forgotten pages in an old diary, one she no longer bothers to revisit. It gave her some comfort when she reassured herself of this. Too bad it often drove her to denounce the concept of love itself. Maybe I’m not worthy of this, for I had it once and I betrayed the one who truly loved me. Maybe it’s a matter of time, and if that’s the case, I won’t bother to wait around yearning for love to knock on my door. If only it didn’t hurt her so badly each time she thought this. But no one knew as she carried on doing what she does best, marching forth like the good soldier she has always been. Perhaps no one ever will, and she’ll be damned if anyone would pity her. She could stomach everything else except others’ piteous thoughts of her. She would rather be loveless than be loved out of sympathy.

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
“I don’t love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday”

I don’t love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday.

*Lyrics to “I Don’t Love You” taken from the song performed by My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade album.

Letting go (Part 1)

After all is said and done, she knew she loved him truly. But people change, our hearts falter and we eventually forget. If there was one thing she learned out of all this was that nothing is forever. Nothing is ever permanent. It is not in our nature to be fixated on just one thing for an indefinite period of time. Something’s got to give, almost always.

He told her he loved her but he was torn. He wants to do the right thing. And so he finally did. He told her it was over and he needed a clean start. He hoped he hasn’t ruin anything for her but they both knew it was too late. Everything has changed, nothing will ever go back to the way it was.

She reacted as how most people would. First came the detached aloofness as if proclaiming to the world, I don’t really care. Then she put on the act of a reasonable woman and told him she understands and that she’ll be fine. But the heart is the kind of organ that will never take a lie sitting down. It is not like the mind which can be bent at will provided enough evidence is put forth and within reason. The heart knows what is right and true all along.

Everything hit her all at once within hours after he broke the news. Obviously, the detached aloofness and reasonable calm didn’t hold for very long. The day finally ended and she escaped to her car. It was her final place where no one could touch her or hurt her. She found much solace while driving no matter what were the traffic conditions. So from that day onwards began a new routine of bottling up her emotions while at work then clocking off sharp at 5 PM so that she can retreat to her car with fresh tears to be shed. She didn’t care who saw her, everything was already beyond disastrous.

It didn’t help matters that she saw him everyday. She would smell his fresh cologne in the morning and feel stinging tears welling in her eyes. Sometimes they would engage in conversation about work and she would try everything not to break down at the sound of his voice. She missed him so much it was unbearable just to be in the same room. Too many memories would collide in her head and more often than not, she had difficulty functioning at the most basic level. She was unravelling like a ball of yarn and her entire life was coming undone.

In retrospect she knew it hurt him too. She knew he struggled with guilt as much as she did. He realized what this meant for her. That she would have to rebuild everything she has laid to waste. He kept asking her if she could go back to who she was before, but he knew that that life is long over for her. So he did what most men would do. He soldiered on and expected her to do the same. Since pity wouldn’t be of much help, he turned to apathy and disdain. He even mocked her one time to pick herself up and just be strong, not knowing just how much he hurt her even more then.

Letting go is truly one of the hardest thing known to mankind. How do you say goodbye to the same person who gave your life meaning? Where do you draw the line that separates your past from your present and future? How do you go about dissecting that bit in your heart that hurts so badly it threatens the very life coursing through your veins?

She realized she had to learn at some point the art of letting go. It required her to stay focused in the present and not slip back into old habits of the past. But she still struggled with one thing, forgiveness. Not until she forgives herself, her new life cannot begin. And so her journey for redemption and self-forgiveness commenced, one that might never end until she draws her last breath.

Her personal hell perfected

There’s this song by U2 entitled “Stuck In A Moment” which really got on her nerves. It’s not that it irritated her in a bad way, she just wished it didn’t ring with so much truth that her head hurts .

For as long as she’s lived, she cannot recall a time where she really didn’t know what to do. She knew what she did was wrong, but like most classic mistakes, it felt so right. She really thought she had found her soulmate, this is the one I’m supposed to be with, he is The One for me. Yet she cannot shake off the feeling. It was a horrible way to feel, and it didn’t go away even when she sleeps. She began to have horrible nightmares and she dreaded the thought of going home, cause that’s where all her feelings culminate into one gigantic ball of mess. The feeling took on different shapes and guises, but there was no mistaking it, the feeling of guilt.

She felt truly stuck and that made her more miserable than any other feeling she has ever known. She didn’t know how she could fall out of love with this one person who meant the world to her. And at the same time, she didn’t know how to undo it all so that she can go back to being the person she was. The girl who was supposed to know right from wrong. Somewhere along the line, that girl faded away and in her place, this other person took shape, with feelings she could not deny, struggling to get through each day while guilt gave way to self-loathing and more torment.

She hated the lies that so easily slipped into her conversations. Before long, it felt as if she had no control anymore. The line between what was true and false began to blur for her and for a while she thought this would make it easy. Maybe I should just decide that I truly want this. Even if it means I’ll have to be nasty and fight to have him in my life, even if I would lose everything I already have. What’s the point anyway, if what I have is not what I want. Aren’t I entitled to happiness as much as the next girl?

So she argued back and forth in her head, one moment deciding to let her inner bitch free only to withdraw as soon as the going got tough. No, that’s an understatement. It pretty much went straight to hell from thereon.

Maybe not literally, but it felt like it. She felt trapped, stuck and cornered. It was her personal hell perfected. And her dues were paid in slow motion for maximum effect. She finally understood why people turned to suicide, it felt senseless to prolong such a torturous existence. But she couldn’t bring herself to this, it was the one thing she couldn’t do. The reason was plain and clear to see. No matter how bad everything had become, she still had one source of salvation.. her child.

Once there was a girl

Once there was a girl who didn’t know what she’d like to be when she grew up. She only knew she had to be good in order to do good. So she never did anything bad and followed all the rules. She did her homework and listened to what others had to say on what her future ought to look like. She aced all her exams and made her parents proud. She followed her life’s script, got a job, got married and had a child. Then something happened that almost ended her life. Not literally, but it was significant enough to end everything that was familiar. For unlike the first time or many others that happened before then, she fell in love. Truly, madly and deeply. For the first time, she learnt exactly what love is, how beautiful it can be, and in the same breath, how excruciatingly devastating.