Saying goodbye to 2007

The year was 2007. It was pretty much an uneventful year, but at the same time big things were about to happen. I guess I’ve never been really good at viewing things retrospectively. I’ve always been more of a future forward type of person. But in keeping with tradition, this was an entry that had to be written nonetheless.

On the home-front, my family life continues to be blessed. My son is growing up beautifully. He turns nine this year, almost halfway through primary school. It never ceases to amaze me each time I get a good look at him. My favourite part of the day is when he comes running out of the house to get into my car each time I honk at the gate. He would ride the short drive into the porch and gives me imaginary money when I insist on cabfare. I love how he runs, still very child-like in so many ways. And yet, he’s growing up with each passing day into a truly wonderful human being.

My parents were finally reunited last year when my mum finished her 3-year stint working abroad. It was a big adjustment for everybody, but it felt great to have mum home again. Slowly, we settled into our old routine and mum resumed her duties as the matriarch of the family. My brother and sister in-law entered parenthood when they were both blessed with a baby girl. They’ve been married for almost three years and the miracle finally happened. Baby Qistina was borned on 30th October 2007, just a day after I celebrated my 33rd birthday. If I may say so, and I risk sounding like the bragging aunt here, she’s one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen. Everyone dotes on her, since she is the only granddaughter (for now!). My mum takes care of her soon after SIL went back to work. It’s all good since my mum has a renewed focus in her life, caring for Baby Qistina
who grows fussier by the day (for some reason she cries each time I pick her up!).

My dad will be retiring soon. I hope that happens cause I think he’s been working long enough (he’s thinking of renewing his contract with the bank). But I know he’s not the rest and relax type of guy. Even during long holidays, he’s up and about tending to yard work; moving around pots, yanking out weeks and such. But it’s good for him to stay active. Only thing is, I need to remind him to eat healthily. This is not easy since we both like the same types of food (carbs, pastries, cakes, cookies..etc.). Still, he’s alright by most standards and I pray that both my parents will continue to live long, healthy and happy lives.

My sister continues to lead a somewhat charmed life. Both she and her husband are blessed with two sons. They live about an hour away and we see each other almost every week. She’s busy these days with her audit work. Her job takes her to foreign
countries like Myanmar, Manila and Sudan. It’s hard initially, especially on her two boys. But they’ve adapted to her absence and her husband’s very supportive of her career. Talk about someone having it all, she’s pretty close to that definition. Most ironic cause this wasn’t always the case. Or at least, there was a time I could claim that for myself too.

Work-wise, things just keep on getting more hectic each day. Big changes took place and change is still happening every now and then. People leave and new ones come onboard. I left a 10-year IT career and swapped machines for people. I became HR manager when my boss took a bet on me. He told me recently it was one of the best bets he’s ever taken.

My career is thriving. It keeps me busy and preoccupied and I am blessed to get to work with some of the coolest people around. My colleagues are wonderful people. They know just when to reel me in when I get in too deep. They let me do my thing and give me feedback when it’s necessary. I trust them and I know they appreciate the work that I do. It sounds like a dream but I truly cherish working at my company. Even after 10 years, I’m still learning everyday. And best of all, I work for people who inspire me to continually do my best.

2007 was also the year I completed my MBA studies. My mum got home in time to watch me graduate. This was doubly special since my parents weren’t with me when I graduated with my first degree, ten years ago. It was indeed one of my proudest moments. More than the scroll that confirmed my graduation, it was a personal victory for me, knowing that my self-belief grew tenfold when I completed the program after studying part-time for the last three years.

My friends continue to be my inspiration. They anchor me when I become unsteady or veered off my equilibrium. We shared stories, memories, hopes and fears. We swapped birthday gifts and our faith in each other. Some have moved away to pursue their dreams. The others remain but are kept preoccupied by work, family life and such. Still, we make time for each other. Chatting over coffee, a day at the spa, a shopping trip when we needed retail therapy. Nights spent chatting on YM, gossiping and idle banter, idly dreaming of a better future. Honestly, my friends keep me sane, even if I jokingly complain they drive me nuts every now and then.

The year was 2007 and I lived it to the fullest. I caught several awesome gigs and sang with the best of them until my voice completely deserted me. I went to see Muse and Fall Out Boy in Singapore, then most recently My Chemical Romance who came to our shores and gave a KL a good rockin’. Music-wise, I’ve discovered so many bands, I can’t possibly mention each one here. But I continue to love Muse the best. There’s something about those three guys that help keep my spark alive even when I’m just about ready to give up and give in.

I saved this bit for last, mainly because I’m unsure how this will go. My love life remains uneventful and largely non-existent. That is a fact. A plain truth like vanilla. Now here comes the rest of the mix.

I met a few guys, hung out for drinks, went out for flicks. We talked music, gigs and books. We traded childhood stories and some of our craziest dreams. Had a few laughs, shared a few jokes but that’s about it. The adrenaline got me high for a bit and I remembered what falling for someone felt like. Giddy and girlish, but remaining coy and cautious nonetheless.

The truth is, I’m not ready. I wish I was. I wish I was brave enough to bite the bullet and seize the moment. But I don’t have the courage because it didn’t feel right. There’s always something wrong with this guy and that, an annoying tic or habit that I’d spot soon after the bubble bursts. Nothing majorly wrong, most of them were really nice guys. One of them came very close to being a likely candidate. But I stopped encouraging him. And I think he got the message, though how he deciphered it may not be quite as how I intended it to be.

Here is another fact. I’ve stopped believing in forever. I don’t think forever exists. I used to think that it did, but then messed up. I grew up, I changed. So did the people I loved. So forever ceased to exist in my personal dictionary. It is a word I almost never use these days. Along with other words like love, hope and together.

I tell my son I love him each day, but it’s not the same. I fiercely adore my closest friends but we have our own lives at the end of the day. In my case, my life remains bare where romance is concerned. I used to lament over this fact frequently but not so much anymore. The trick is to keep busy and breathing. Take life by the day, heck.. by the hour if I must. Don’t plan too far ahead because that may lead me to think of anything with a sense of permanence. Remember, forever doesn’t exist for me anymore, along with ever after and someday.

Someone said I’ve become a cynic. But don’t get me wrong, this is how I protect myself. Staying busy helps me forget that I have other needs. Longings that remain unfulfilled. I keep those depressive thoughts far, far away as I possibly can. I don’t wish to turn that page. Love resides in the forgotten pages of yesterday. I have made peace with my past. And as I move further away from it, the more I distant myself from that enchanted and mystical force called love.

There are times when I dare to stay still, I remember what it felt like. I recall how good it feels to belong to someone, as how he belonged to me. I remember rooting for another person, completely and unconditionally, and being there for him through good and bad. I remember what it felt like having someone to come home to. And amidst all this silence and remembering, I can hear my heart breaking.

And that is why I remain hesitant. I admit not swearing off love completely, but I know it will take a lot out of me to admit that I am ready to love again. Similarly, it will take a very strong and confident person to convince me that love is within my reach, that those dreams of ever after remain alive after all. It will require him to have the patience of a saint, the sureness of the devil and the persistence of a faithful lover. A tall order, I know. But if this dream ever comes true for me, which I have no clue when, how or with who, it better be worth it.

2007 has passed, 365 days of a calendar now relegated to the ranks of memories of the other thirty-something years I have lived on this earth. I remain optimistic where the present is concerned. I am still very guarded and uncertain when it comes to my future. I am taking it as it comes, everyday is a brand new beginning, filled with possibilities and mysterious encounters. I have no idea what the turning of this page leads me to, or who for that matter. I just know I’m ready for everything and anything that comes my way.

The year coming to an end

It has become a ritual of sorts. I would leave my blog barren and idle, only to return to wrap up the year. And what a year it’s been…

I normally write on my 43Things page, updating my progress on various goals and such. But I’ve always thought this blog would be handy, someday, when I needed to write just about anything that doesn’t quite fit the realm of goals.

Being the systematic creature that I am (it’s a curse more than a virtue), I’d normally approach this task by reviewing all my goals and entries at 43Things.com . But that will take me a while, and I just want to get this introductory entry out of the way. So let this be a snapshot, more than anything, before I move on to more meaty stuff.

It’s 1:17 AM, the rain has finally stopped and the room temperature is finally cool and conducive for sleep. 24 hours ago, I was witnessing My Chemical Romance in concert. Quite simply, one of the most amazing moments in recent times. A week ago, the situation at work has taken amazing twists and turns. All good though, and shall see much excitement in that department soon. A month ago, my son finished his second year in primary school, looking forward to his school holidays. He’s grown into a fine young (little) man, all of his eight years, seemingly mature beyond his tender age. Six months ago, my mother returned home for good, after being away at work at some foreign country. It’s great to have her around again, though I don’t always show it with my lack of motivation where household chores are concerned.

Life is good. My life has been blessed, with a job I dare say I truly enjoy, with a family who anchors me in my frequent moments of uncertainties. My friends remain a constant source of inspiration. They keep me sane and help me weather the rockier roads where inter-personal relationships are concerned. Both the old ones and the new.

My home life has me contented, a comfortable house that is filled with laughter, merriment and God’s blessing. And God has indeed been good to me and for that I am infinitely grateful.

Letting go (Part 3)

Sometimes we are blessed to meet others who touch our spirit and liberate our will. These people come into our lives, disguised as a kind stranger or a casual acquaintance, then by a random case of chance, enough time pass and we find ourselves in a shared moment. Our paths cross and we exchange ideas, opinions and experiences. Sometimes, we are given the opportunity to actually listen, not merely hearing, and the words uttered seep into our hearts and become ingrained as part of our consciousness. Other times, we surprise ourselves by the declarations we make, never expecting to hear those words becoming the truths we’ve always suspected of knowing. Indeed, by some act of grace, we make these connections. However, we also realize that people come and go like seasons that change. Thus requiring an act of courage, we part ways yet again, deep down inside wishing this wasn’t so. But life is like that, you have to let go before you can make room for new things, places and even people. No matter how hard or how cold this truth appears to be, life is a series of changes. Like the turning of leaves as spring makes way for summer, we too must shed the skin of yesterday to emerge anew and awaken with eyes and hearts wide open.

Wrapping up 2006 (Part 4)

Trivial Pursuits.. not exactly
Stuff I did that helps me feel alive!

Looking back I gotta say, 2006 was kinda amazing. I read a bunch of books, 25 to be exact! The best ones would have to be “The Road Less Traveled” and “The Kite Runner”. Thanks to my LibraryThing recommendations and leads from friends, this hobby can only get better. Plus my frequent trips to Borders.. wonder if I can get a part-time job there as a literary enthusiasts or ardent book reviewer..

On the music front, I caught Coldplay and Jason Mraz live! Definitely some of the highest points of my life. I was high from the whole thing for days, buzzing with crazy energy. I even managed to go to several classical concerts. Hearing Vivaldi’s Four Seasons played live is definitely an experience worth repeating.

While I didn’t quite become the nature lover that I hoped to be, I started developing a serious love for gardening. My Japanese Roses are thriving and I’m so proud of the multi-colour blooms that add a riot of colours to my homelife. On a more adventurous note, I tried white water rafting for the first time, and lived to tell the tale.. barely. Safe to say, while I’ll try everything at least once, that single experience is sufficient to last me this lifetime!

Watched a bunch of movies and discovered some really awesome TV shows. While I won’t call myself a couch potato (although my physique suggests otherwise), I can now state quite boldly that good TV is not an oxymoron. One need not go far, just tune in to shows such as Grey’s Anatomy, Lost and Supernatural (okay, the last one is more eye-candy factor than anything else, but Jensen and Jared are worth it – minus the calories!).

I’m yet to make good on my goal where volunteering is concerned. The closest I got was the Terry Fox Run which was such good fun, I’d do it again next year. Heck, I’d do it every year if the local organizers are game.

On the gathering of “things”, I changed my car. It gave me some trouble initially, but me and Ruby Blue (that’s what I call her) get along fine these days. I bought a bunch of stuff too, but the best investment would be my Creative Zen Micro. It has 4 GB worth of storage and I’m almost maxed out, though I can’t recall just how many songs I have in there. Other than that, I’m not so much into stuff. Except books, which I don’t mind splurging especially when there’s a warehouse sale on. Which reminds me, I need to get a new book shelf some time soon.

On people I call friends, they remain few in numbers. Actually I have different categories of friends. The nearest and dearest would be those who are privileged to see me reduced to tears every now and then, or bear with me while I analyze every insecurity and inherent neurosis. Then there are those I’d hang out with for a good time, share some laughs over a good joke or a cup of coffee. Another group of people dear to me would be my online friends at 43Thing.com . They are amongst the kindest, most selfless, endearing and encouraging bunch of people I’ve ever met albeit online. They keep me sane and swapping cheers and comments on the site have definitely been good fun all the way.

2006 has been a good year, despite some of the hang-ups I had to deal with. I know I’ve learnt and grown, hopefully wiser though definitely older! As always, I remain super-optimistic where the future is concerned. I don’t usually make new year resolutions but I have goals left over from last year, so that should keep me busy apart from the daily routine of work and family life.

Can’t wait to see what lies in store for me for 2007!

Wrapping up 2006 (Part 3)

Work
Things related to my career and professional development

I had the following goals related to this..

• groom my wingman (or woman)
• reassess my career path and options
• study for 15 minutes every day
• file papers that need filing, throw away others
• have a blast in Casablanca!
• get recognition at work

It has been two years since I first held my current post. Many words come to mind.. challenging, rewarding, at times thankless but more often than not, it is my channel to serve others. This resonates well with my life’s motto.. to lead, serve and love. I’ve worked for almost ten years now and by God’s grace I’ve been given the opportunity to lead and teach others. To serve is a noble calling. I believe not until one is able to accept one’s duty to serve, work will never be anything more than just a means to earn a living. What I do matters, so does the work of all my peers who enables me to do what I need to do, affect the change that needs to happen for us to move forward. While this may sound simplistic, it can also be powerful. Sometimes a powerful belief is something as simple as this. When everything goes wrong and nothing goes your way, this belief gives you faith and the courage to face yet another day.

Other significant events include the recognition trip to Casablanca and Marrakech. I had a great time, taking in unfamiliar sights and surroundings while brushing up my rusty Arabic. On people development, I formalized the appointment of a new Team Leader, someone who I believe is capable, reliable and has the potential to lead others. I’m glad I finally did this, it’s great knowing I have someone dependable to bounce ideas with for the betterment of the group.

I finally finished all my classes for my MBA programme. What’s left is my research project which is ready for final print and later on, hardback binding. It feels almost weird to see this chapter finally ending after three years of evening classes, last-minute submissions (seriously.. and adrenaline has nothing to do with it!) and nerve-wrecking exams. Can’t help it, even after all these years, exams for me are the stuff of nightmares.. which is literally true coz I do have those dreams sometimes. I still haven’t figured out if my MBA is supposed to mean anything beyond how it has helped me grown and benefit from various exposures via subjects such as Finance and Corporate Strategy, areas I wouldn’t normally venture into since it is unrelated to my day job. But I firmly believe that my MBA is about the process or the journey of personal growth, not exactly an asset that makes my CV any more credible. I guess it’ll help open doors eventually, but for now I don’t see how or when that will happen.

Wrapping up 2006 (Part 2)

Family Ties
(Stuff I worked on to improve myself as a mother and a daughter)

I began the year in anxious anticipation. My only son was starting school. This was significant because I felt it was a major milestone, a new social setting. This will be a big part of his life for the next eleven or twelve years. In retrospect, my anxiety was not in his ability to adjust, but more of mine. Worrying is something I do, partly out of habit, but maternal instincts often include worry in big portions. But thrived he did, he made new friends and learnt new things. His handwriting became more practised and he read much more fluently, particularly in English. I found that his strength was Maths but he was often dismayed (yes, for a seven year old child) at his lack of artistic talents. He did okay during his final exams, an improvement compared to his mid-year. But I sense his frustration when he finds certain things hard to grasp. And I feel I could always do more in terms of tutoring him with his homework.

My mother.. I suppose all daughters share a love-hate relationship with their mothers. Love, for all the right reasons. Hate, mostly due to the daughter’s frustration. My mother can be highly critical sometimes. Her judgmental comments suck out the life out of me. At our worst moments, she reduces me to an insecure teen, even as I am now in my thirties, stirring pubescent rebellion from the get go. I hated how she couldn’t hold her tongue when it comes to her opinions of me. I hated how she hardly ever made it easy for me. I hated how she left us, for whatever reasons she felt justified, to go working thousands of miles away, and left me in charge.

But in our best moments, she was always my source for joy and comfort. She shared my erratic sense of humour, finding things comical in the oddest places. I realized we got along when she recognized my maturity, when what I said held weight, when she is able to appreciate how I’ve grown. My most recent of this best moments was our shopping trip before she went back to Saudi. We scoured the entire Petaling Street for souvenirs, both amazed at how well the day went. We had lunch together and we talked. She shared her thoughts about the work-in-progress that was our house. She shared her annoyance mainly where my dad was concerned, mostly minor irritations, not unlike the squabbles of an other married couple (as I write this, it strikes me as almost weird, how I’m able to categorize my parents akin to any other married couple).

So my mental preparation for my mum’s return then, was mainly about how I was going to manage my expectations. I do this because I didn’t want to get disappointed. This despite the fact that she can disappoint me still, regardless of whichever way I try to perceive it. But perhaps in that recognition, I allowed her to be human. I gave her room to err and I put away my own mental snapshots of what she should have been. Again I am reminded, just how dangerous things accompanied by the phrase “should” could potentially be.

Once I was able to do that, I found that we had more ups than downs. I was able to enjoy her company more, instead of those moments validating my deflated expectations. When I allowed my mother to be human, in my eyes, we both became more like equals and she no longer occupied that pedestal in my head which is often weighted down by my own expectations.

My father.. is my continual source of inspiration. We share many common interests and I believe we’ve outgrown that phase where our moments together were accompanied by awkward silence. I believe we’re finally on the same wavelength now, to the point that I can tell his mood quite accurately just by observing his mannerisms. Sometimes his low points pass without much fuss, other times he might let me in on what exactly it was that bothered him so. My relationship with my father is one of the best things about being a boomerang child. Somehow, I feel like I’ve come full circle where this relationship is concerned.

Wrapping up 2006 (Part 1)

The year 2006 is ending in a few days. Time sure flies, not necessarily when one is having fun. I can’t help but wonder what I’ve been up to the whole year. Thank goodness for 43Things, my haphazard journaling effort need not be an excuse. So I’ve been reviewing my list of completed things, hoping to look back with some satisfaction. I guess I had an amazing year nonetheless. Of course, it could always get better. But if I went down that path, I know I might invite regret. So let’s not go there..

I took the liberty of categorizing my completed goals. Can’t help it, my craving for structure and logic demand that I attempt this exercise in my typical organized fashion. Here goes..

Personal Development
(Stuff I attempted/accomplished with the hope of becoming a better me)

Throughout the year, there were the usual ups and downs. I still struggled with some form of depression, battled insomnia (particularly weekends) and dug deep to figure out, “What the hell is wrong with me?”. Turns out I’m normal, no different from probably a few billion other people. Life is like that, it’s meant to be hard. This was a hard truth for me to swallow, but once I accepted it, I no longer felt the need to wallow too much in self-pity. I still looked inwardly and analyze things, past actions and at times, take too long to make a decision. But I believe I’m much better at biting the bullet while controlling my neurotic tendencies to anticipate the worst. I still worry, but I do it less now. Acceptance is a very powerful thing. I initially mistook it as surrender, like giving up or making compromises. That was tough for me since I’ve always believed that I had to excel at everything. But I learned that I have to let go and give up on certain things, ideas even certain people, in order to make room for other worthy things, ideas and people in my life. So that’s what I did. I gave up on a lot of things, even letting go some of my dreams too. Well, maybe not entirely, but I realized that it’s OK to put those dreams away and give myself time. I learned to accept that I am not able to control quite a lot of things, but I can control my perception. And while I still have that, I am not a victim, I can make choices.. right ones I hope, choices that resonate well with my principles and values.

Revisiting my 43Things list, I learned to practise delayed gratification.. not easy, especially when I let myself go (just one more episode of GA, then I’m done.. yeah, right!). I decided I didn’t have many regrets and that everything is a learning opportunity. I want to be free from emotional cancers, but sometimes I let myself be swayed (must work harder at keeping my mouth shut). I figured out how to tackle my Machiavellian colleague and saw him for what he truly was (after everything is said and done, I still consider him a friend). Paid off my credit card but it’s tough to maintain a zero balance, especially when savings are low and a major payment is due (must work harder at living within my means!).

On the romance department, I indulged in the odd crush every now and then. But all of them went nowhere, partly perhaps coz I wouldn’t let them. I’m much more cautious these days, less likely to take crazy chances like before. I figured it’s OK to feel certain things, but to let that feeling consume you is like inviting trouble to your front door. Let’s just say my choices in men are either unrealistic or downright dodgy.. so the fact that I have nothing much to say here is probably not entirely a bad thing. Despite that I remain hopeful. I don’t want to be cynical and continually curse my fate. I accept that certain things are best left to fate. Serendipity is a new concept for me but it’s teaching me to be patient, with myself, those around me and the cards I’m dealt with. I guess when the time comes, I will know it. When my heart tells me so, it will be someone worth waiting for.

To be continued…

The surrendered singleton.. or not

It finally dawned on me tonight that I might live the rest of my life single. That I may have to stay celibate until I’m old enough not to want to do it anymore (or lose the ability, whichever comes first). It sounds so definite, and some folks might say I’m just being whiny and negative. But I’m not, it feels real and I actually have facts or at least some rationale to support this notion.

First and foremost, I don’t go out and meet people. In fact, meeting new people is actually quite scary to me. I am one of those people who gives out scary vibes within the first five minutes of introduction. That is mainly cause I size people up myself and I kinda know what they’re like and whether they’re actually worth knowing. Of course I’ve made some erratic judgment call, which supports this notion all the more. If I could have my way, I’d rather spend time with people I already know. People who get my sarcastic ways, people who are unafraid of calling my bluff, people who actually exist in a handful count.

Secondly, when I do meet people, I can get very intense. When I meet people whom I do like, I tend to wanna develop the relationship for a bit, maybe hang out after work and do stuff of common interest. If things get really great, I can get a bit giddy with schoolgirl excitement. It’s quite a shock really to some folks who spend most of their working hours with me. Suddenly I morph into another creature who is a 180-degree contrast to what I typically am.. sensible, solid, reliable and serious. This other creature is able to swear like a sailor, drive like a speed demon, listen to music which are not parent-friendly and doesn’t give a crap if tomorrow never comes. Well, that last bit.. I’m stretching it, but the earlier parts are entirely true. Especially if you’re driving 60km/h during rush hour and I just happen to be driving right behind you.

Thirdly, I am truly convinced that my cynic quotient goes up bit by bit everyday. Perhaps there’s a correlation between how long I’ve been single and this particular cynical streak. It’s all biological people, nothing to be ashamed of in admitting this. But hormonal imbalances aside, I doubt I’ll find The One. As each day passes by, I believe in him less and less. And even if he does exists, I seriously can’t be expected to waste precious time waiting around like that. So no more saving the perfect moment until I find The One. I’m sure I can enjoy what the world has to offer without a man in tow. Though I still need male companionship for attending rock concerts (classical ones I can handle, thank you). Unless I can find a few other female friends who worship Muse and MCR like I do.

Unlike men who become more eligible as they get older (but only if your wallet gets thicker), us girls have a harder time. It’s a perfectly negative correlation in fact. The truth is, as guys grow older, they prefer younger women. Call it as eye-candy, trophy wife or whatever else, men feel good when they have a pretty young thing in tow. I suspect it reaffirms their virility and their Hugh Hefner-like aspirations. Again, since I am such a rational person tonight, I don’t fault this logic one bit. On the other hand, it becomes harder for single (thirty-something) girls to score a decent man. And please don’t mention staying fit and taking better care of ourselves, while it is perfectly acceptable on grounds of health, those who can pull a Demi-Ashton is in a very small minority, if any.

So I resigned myself to this fate tonight. Not exactly in meek surrender, but more of a dignified acceptance if you will. Plus I needed a reality check to keep my head in the right place. Unfortunately, of late I have discovered several male species of interest, but when analyzed against the above theories, I know my chances are slim. Now don’t tell me to seize the moment (or the guy for that matter), I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime. It’s all fun and games until someone accidentally reads your text messages. Okay, that’s all I’m saying for now.

Before I end this, I must state a disclaimer whereby such notions and conclusions are derived in a moment of rare lucidity. Such situations are actually not natural for me cause I normally operate on fuzzy logic. So I shall not be held against this should anyone feel incline to test my degree of acceptance, dignified or not. The other wonderful thing about being a woman is that like clothes, we get to change our minds until it suits our circumstance. Why go hungry to fit a petite blouse when you can always shop at the plus size racks? Change the rules, reinvent the game, I say it’s more fun to keep them guessing, keeps them on their toes too.

Turning thirty-two

I turn 32 tomorrow. Can’t help but feel my age, plus a few more years. Then again, I’ve never been 32 properly, so I don’t know what this is supposed to feel like.

Actually, it’s not about the age. I can deal with the responsibility and the reality of adult life. I’ve been dealing with it for as long as I can remember. What I still struggle with is the day itself. The day of my birth. While my head is a bit messed up right now, I shall attempt to explain anyhow.

I have a knack of romanticizing a lot of things. My birthday is one of them. I honestly believe that a birthday should be celebrated. After all, it was the day you were born. Unless of course, you’re having a hard time dealing with life in general and half-regretting ever being born. But I’m not one of those people who curse their existence. I might be a masochist, I may be in love with too much drama at times, but I never regret being born. Anyways..

As I was saying, I romanticize my birthday. I kinda like to reflect on where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m heading. I do that from time to time, but on my birthday, things get really graphic. Probably that’s the first root cause. I allow myself to wallow too much in such things. Especially the looking back part, almost always comparing it with my original notions of adulthood, my childhood dream of who I’d be when I turn 32, or any other age in conjunction with birthdays past, present and future.

In actual fact, my life isn’t as crappy as I allowed myself to believe. Though in dire moments of mood swings and hormonal imbalance, everything looks bleak, tinged with regret. In actual fact, I have a lot of things to be thankful for.. my health (okay, I’m not athletic-fit, but I’m not ill with anything serious), my family (having three of the most important people in my world; my son, my dad & my mom), my job (apart from a good salary, it inspires me to do my best), a tight circle of friends (even if they’re constantly busy) and a lovely house to come home to (despite it belonging to my parents, living here makes it mine and I pretty much keep the household together).

So what if I’m not happily married with 2.5 children? So what if I still live with my parents? So what if some days I feel like I’m stuck between adolescent and proper adulthood? What is a normal life anyway? Normal is what you make of it. Same goes otherwise. As long as I’m healthy, well-fed, with some money in the bank and surrounded by people who love me (though somedays I suspect it’s mainly coz I buy the groceries each week). And oh, with a wicked car in my garage.. which takes me where I need to go pronto. Seriously, what more could I ask for?

But of course, I am brought up to always want more. I’m a cursed over-achiever (or blessed, that depends) and I have a problem settling. Doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, but I’m always.. always hoping, wishing, working towards something better. This explains why I’m busting my chops to earn a Masters degress, why some days I’m wound up too tight, why some nights I lay awake staring into the dark half-expecting for some kind of epiphany (it never happens, sleep comes soon after!). Guess that’s just how I’m wired. I don’t think these things make me any less whole. I’ve gotten past the whole episode of thinking my life is incomplete, just because I’m no longer living my childhood dream.

Yes, I had it once not too long ago. I was married, was blessed with a child and thought we’d grow old together with 3 more kids after that. But it didn’t happen that way. What happened? Life.. that’s what happened. In the course of living my life, I misjudged a lot of things and a few people too. Most importantly, I misjudged myself. I thought I was invincible, thinking I’ve had it all. Now I know better, life isn’t about having it all. It’s not
the end state that matters, it’s about the journey, the process, the perpetual business of living one’s life. I’ve come to believe that there’s no such thing as having it all.

So I’m back to where I started. Maybe this year, I should just pretend that turning 32 is no different than any other day. That I should still expect the same things, seek out to do the same stuff and carry on as normally do. But then, what’s the point of having a birthday if you don’t celebrate it. Seems like such a waste.. not that I don’t eat cake any other day of the year.

Perhaps I need a new birthday ritual. Instead of expecting things that might not happen (let’s face it, I’m too old to expect presents from my parents) or try to pretend like it doesn’t matter, maybe I can make something up. Something special in my own honour. Something I do to celebrate myself, my achievements, who I am.. not just who I’m trying to be.

Okay, I’m not normally into rituals, though I admit I’m a creature of habit. It’s just that cooking out something new and creative, something original.. now that’s a challenge. I’m a lot of things, but creativity is not one of my best traits. Still, I’m sure I can figure something out. Perhaps some kind of activity or a momento of sorts that I present to myself, to mark this occasion. Shopping for new cothes come to mind, but not exactly unique since I shop for lesser reasons. Gosh, this is tougher than I thought.

Guess I’ll sleep on it. I don’t think I need to rush this. Once I’ve decided on something, guess I could even postpone the ritual, if time doesn’t permit. My weekends are a bit crazy, unlike my weekdays.. it’s harder to plan my day by the clock.

Still, I’m glad I gave this some thought. It’s been bugging me for days, despite my effort to ignore it. I’ve decided I won’t allow myself to be disappointed, no matter what happens tomorrow. There’s too may things to be happy about, and on the same note, too many things more worthy of my concern.

So in closing, happy birthday ‘ol girl. You’ve made it this far. Who knows what lies ahead. Definitely it can go either way, but as the saying goes, if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me. Keep the faith and never, ever give up. The best is yet to come.

Getting back to center

I’m currently reading a book entitled “Learn to Power Think”. It is simply about learning how to use our innermost thoughts and self-talk to program ourselves and help us overcome our challenges and harness our strengths. The topics are varied enough and some of the lessons include letting go of our past and visualize our future, like drawing on a blank canvass all of our greatest dreams and desires, whatever they may be.

Last night I read a topic called emotional awareness. It states that we often we get too caught up with our daily routine, trying our best sometimes to just get by. There might be good and bad days, and the latter could at times challenge us so that we lose our perspective and sense of purpose. The book further states that we should always be in tuned to our feelings, and if we find ourselves at a lost as we ponder this, we should then pause and repeatedly ask ourselves again, exactly how we feel at that moment. In time, the answer will come. Even if it does not, it helps to do a braindump of everything that’s buzzing in our heads and analyze how these thoughts affect us. Often it leads us to our innermost hopes and fears, things like wanting to be appreciated for a job well done, or even fear of failure while still hoping for the best.

I have to admit, my most challenging moments are when I could not figure out how I feel about certain situations in my life. It’s when I can’t decide if I want something badly enough or doubting myself on whether a particular choice is the right one after all. I sometimes second-guess my own intuition which I’ve come to realize is counter- productive. There’s always that nagging voice that questions, “What if?” that seems to endlessly analyze every angle to the point that it paralyzes me into inaction.

I know that I can’t possibly get everything right. Despite the persona that I know exactly what buttons to push (I was told this by a close friend, to which I merely said “Gee..thanks!”), I sincerely don’t. Like others, I try to weigh all pros and cons, then decide on the desired outcome. Knowing fully well that no solution is perfect, I would try to mitigate whatever risk or downside I can foresee. At the same time, I would realistically ask myself if I could do better by asking others for help. This is something I’m not particularly good at, but I’ve learnt that kindness is often a two way thing, you can’t possibly continue to be kind if you don’t allow others to return the favour every now and then.

So nowadays, my warning signals have been simplified. From my frequent anxiety attacks and imagining worst case scenarios (believe it or not, I used to think this was one of my strengths), I’ve decided to be concerned only when I can’t decide how I feel about certain things. If I’m upset with someone, or if my day is spectacularly shitty, I would pause and ponder, is there something unresolved in my head or maybe it’s time to regroup and review everything that’s piling on my plate (physically, mentally and emotionally). Normally, at the end of this, I begin to see some clarity. Sometimes, I would purposely defer certain tasks while telling myself that no disaster would come out of this, no matter what some folks say. Bottomline is to get some breathing space so that my thoughts could once again harmonize with my feelings. Usually after that, I find that I can function again at my optimal best, relate to those around me without fearing I would snap at them with a hurtful comment and generally look forward to what was left of that day.

I often get remarks from others saying I’m too emotional, or I often let my feelings cloud my judgement. I know that taken out of context, feelings can get in the way sometimes. But I’ve chosen not to shut out what my heart is trying to tell me. Similarly, when I have too much chatter in my head, I don’t deny them altogether by indulging in some kind of escapist pursuit. The only prerequisite is that it takes time to sort out these things, to synchronize my heart, my mind and my intuition. So in recognizing that, I would try not to be too preoccupied to the point that I can’t synthesize my internal mechanisms. It helps that I’ve finally learnt to say no, or not now and accord myself the luxury of an internal check and balance to help ensure that I always have clarity and inner peace. Even if I don’t get it 100% right everytime, it comforts me knowing that I’ve tried my best.